dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation