I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.