To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.