Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
You Might Also Like
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.