choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You Might Also Like
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day