Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”