THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.