[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My background check bounced.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer