wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.