My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to