no
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.