My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.