I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
You Might Also Like
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…