me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
You Might Also Like
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
(True)
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.