Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
You Might Also Like
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no