chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The news in a nutshell.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My birth announcement for our third baby
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?