[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Hey i am sexy to you now
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait