i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Meat Cute
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there