I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax