There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.