my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.