me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
And then there were 4
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.