Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.