[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
No laws when master is gone
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”