[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
President The Rock Obama
it must be school picture day
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.