I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Two types of dogs.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it