The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Go hard or stay average
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.