Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.