If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Guantanamo Bae
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut