Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
mmm onion ringos
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math