If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.