If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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my retirement plan is braless
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table