“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
You Might Also Like
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
God has abandoned us.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish