I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌