These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.