NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries