kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome