does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Only short people can save us
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
How about daylight saves us for once
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.