Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
You can’t rush stupid.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch