Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Seems legit
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.