made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m sure it’s fine.