Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it