I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?