My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU