Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
so, is there a mister shapen head
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.