It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Muppet Screams
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
These 3D printers are insane!
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise