I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
They’re not wrong
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
(Electricians.)
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”