My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*