I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.