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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I cannot call her anything else now
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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